10 THINGS: STOP IT ALREADY
10 Things Filmmakers Need To Stop Doing
Hollywood is a place of long-standing tradition, of history, of precedent and of practice. Here are some practices that suck. Honorable mentions include “Letting Natasha Bedingfield Anywhere Near Your Soundtrack.”
1. MAKING VAGUE MOVIE POSTERS
I don’t expect a plot synopsis on a poster. But all marketing logic suggests I should be able to get a vague idea of what the movies about. Yet still, every once in a while you get a poster that tells us next to nothing. The poster for Hitch suggests a plot about Will Smith JUST STANDING THERE. On the opposite side of the spectrum are posters so convoluted that they take 2 minutes of guessing. The poster for You Again requires you to stare at it for two minutes, drawing mental lines to connect each woman to her enemy (I guess?). Looking at posters should not feel like the activities for kids on the back of a cereal box.
2. PUTTING THE DIRECTOR’S NAME EVERYWHERE
Unless this is the cover of a mystery novel sold at Walgreens, the creator’s name should never be as big as the title of the movie. You can advertise the director, sure, but the movie should sell itself, not just rely on the name and reputation of whoever’s directing it. It may get attention, but it comes off as un-classy, like R&B singers who feel the need to sing their own name as soon as the song starts. Not to mention how this can bite you in the ass when disappointed critics wonder who’s to blame for “Tyler Perry’s Madea Jumps The Shark.”
3. MILKING DVD PROFITS
It’s understandable that studio’s want you to buy their movie. It just gets aggrvating when they want you to buy the same movie over and over again. They’ll release a bare-bones, standard DVD early, with next to nothing in the way of extra features (an audio set-up, some cast bios, and pausing). Then they’ll release a “special edition” a few months later, with the features you would actually want to see. And God help you if you’re a fan of a series, you’ll be buying a new “complete” set every time a new installment comes out.
4. TRAILERS THAT EXPLAIN THE ENTIRE PLOT
This is pretty self-explanatory. For example, this is a trailer for Charlie St. Cloud, which comes off less like a trailer and more like a recap of the first hour and a half of the movie, for someone who arrived really, really late. I personally haven’t seen Charlie St. Cloud, because it’s about Zac Efron playing baseball with a dead little boy (three things I care little about), but… I don’t really need to see it anymore, do I?
5. CGI/LIVE ACTION REMAKES OF OLD CARTOONS
We get it, CGI is advanced now. Gone are the whimsical days of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and Space Jam, where 2D animation walked side by side with Michael Jordan. Nowadays, computer animation is able to make these once-beloved characters juuuust realistic enough to be absolutely creepy. With the upcoming adaptations of Yogi Bear (2010) and The Smurfs (2011), children who have never seen a single episode of the cartoons can now look forward to seeing them in their nightmares.
6. WEBSITES BASED AROUND A QUESTION
In 1999, when The Matrix was being promoted (yes, it was that long ago), the website was whatisthematrix.com. This worked back then because A.) it was one of the first times, and B.) it made sense with the plot, which was centered around discovering what the Matrix was. Nowadays, it’s a just a cheap way to ask people to be curious about your movie. Who is Salt(.com)? Who are the Takers(.com)? Does the Sisterhood travel, or just the Pants(.com)?
Incidentally, after watching Takers, I no longer care in the slightest who they are.
7. PARODY MOVIES
This year, we will have the joy of seeing Not Another Not Another Movie. I’m not joking. A parody about parodies. We have scraped the bottom of the barrel so hard, we have tunneled through to the top of a barrel in China.
8. “RACEBENDING”
Giving roles meant for racial minorities to white actors and actresses is nothing new. Hollywood has done it with animated characters (The Last Airbender), real life figures (21), and now historical figures, with the upcoming Ghengis Khan film starring the decidedly un-Mongolian Mickey Rourke. I won’t get into the politics of it right now, but everytime Hollywood does this I feel like they’ve lined up every minority’s face perfectly, so they could run down the line and slap each one, like a pro-wrestler giving high fives to the crowd.
9. POST-PRODUCTION 3D
People are split on 3D. Some people love it. Personally, I forget it’s there after 4 minutes. But one thing people can agree on: If you tack on 3D effects after you’ve wrapped instead of filming in 3D from the beginning, every one hates you. It’s like how junk food adds high-fructose corn syrup. I’m sure it’s cost effective and profitable to put in your product, but there’s still a general understanding by the consumer that it’s the worst thing ever.
10. GIVING PAUL WALKER LINES WITH STREET SLANG
Paul Walker has the personality of an Ikea coffee table and the street cred of an Ikea coffee table. Casting him alongside Tyrese or T.I. only highlights this fact. He can’t even pull off saying the line, “My pockets ain’t empty, bro,” in 2 Fast 2 Furious. Even dorky white guys can say “bro.” But once again, Walker defies all convention.
Most directors get little attention as it is. I find the use of actors names everywhere more offensive.
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Cas Ruffin Reply:
September 23rd, 2010 at 1:04 pm
I think if the movie is good as it is, then people will remember the director. I think the issue is with having a director’s name overshadow the title of the movie.
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Moviegoer Reply:
September 23rd, 2010 at 1:08 pm
I think it’s a non-issue. Besides when most people talk about movies the first names that seem to come up are who starred in it.
Cas Ruffin Reply:
September 23rd, 2010 at 1:18 pm
I don’t know. Christopher Nolan and Martin Scorcese seem to do well for themselves.
gwen Reply:
October 31st, 2010 at 11:43 pm
If a movie was directed by Christopher Nolan, that’s all I need to know. I want to see it. This has been true since Memento.
See also:
Coen Brothers
Wes Anderson (No, I am not a hipster. Stop asking me that!)
Todd Solondz
Spike Jonze
Come to think of it, there’s a pretty long list of directors who will recommend a movie to me more than its actors and/or some ridiculously unrepresentative, borderline dishonest splicing together of scenes ever could.
For the love of GOD stop making shakey camera movies, its not creative…. I understand you want to make me feel like i’m in the fight scene, but if I see 1/8th of the screen while the camera is vibrating violently(The last Bourne) I really am not enjoying this.
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me2 Reply:
September 23rd, 2010 at 2:54 pm
I couldn’t agree more with me. The batman movies are bad with this now. I know it is supossed to be confusing. But sometimes I want to see Batman kick some ass and take names.
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Owen here is one thing you need to learn. Stop telling other people what they need to do. You article shows your character, which is nothing. You know the old saying, if you can’t get a real job, write 10 Things other people need to do on a blog.
Lunch is over, back to a real job
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Cas Ruffin Reply:
September 23rd, 2010 at 1:06 pm
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fitc Reply:
September 23rd, 2010 at 1:13 pm
touched a nerve, mark?
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Owen Javellana Reply:
September 23rd, 2010 at 1:55 pm
But if I stopped, what would you read on your lunch break? In any case, thanks for reading, and for telling me what I need to do. Maybe someday I will mend my ways, and you and I will be friends.
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D-Rock Reply:
September 23rd, 2010 at 2:24 pm
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“Incidentally, after watching Takers, I know longer care in the slightest who they are.”
Come on now, “no” has 2 less letters than “know”, I’m not even paid to be a writer and I no that (see what I did there).
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Cas Ruffin Reply:
September 23rd, 2010 at 3:36 pm
I don’t want to knock your grammar, but your correction is wrong. :\
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Owen Javellana Reply:
September 23rd, 2010 at 4:13 pm
Good eye, Pigman.
Three points for Gryffindor!
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Cas Ruffin Reply:
September 23rd, 2010 at 4:41 pm
Aw shit. I’m sorry Pigman. You were right. I thought you were correcting it to say “know” instead of “no.” I now realize that you were pointing out that it says “know” and that use of the word is wrong.
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Bronzelike Reply:
September 25th, 2010 at 5:26 pm
Cas, he did use glaring comma splice. People who can’t tell where to start a new sentence should not complain about other people’s writing errors. Also, “no” has two letters fewer- not less- than “know.”
Rob Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 11:20 am
And yet, all of you missed this: “But all marketing logic suggests I should be able to get a vague idea of what the movies about.”
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Rob Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 11:23 am
Or this: “It’s understandable that studio’s want you to buy their movie.”
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I totally agree with you on the trailers. I noticed that even back in the day that most trailers showed at least a scene or two of the ending but you wouldn’t realize it until you saw the movie.
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Money made off of DVD sales has become just as important as making money in the theaters..
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The funny thing is, I think M Night Shyamalan’s name being all over the place was both a great success for him and a big downfall. At first it helped give his movies prestige, now people associate it with what’s become kind of notoriously over-repeated style.
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Keep the top 10’s comin. I wish I could quit my job and write as well as this guy.
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Cas Ruffin Reply:
September 24th, 2010 at 8:02 am
Never too late to start.
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I really don’t understand the people on her who nit-pick and bash the author (Owen) for his opinions, writing style, etc. He provided an opinionated article which was a good read whether you agreed or not (stirred you up enough to comment didn’t it?). While some of the things on the list don’t bother me all that much, I see what he’s saying with them. Saying he has “no personality” just because you don’t agree with him is just stupid.
PS. M Knight reallyyyy needs to keep his name hidden. He’s the biggest joke in hollywood.
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What’s funny is that most of the things on this list are from the marketing department. So you should change the title of your article to be “10 things that Marketing Departments Need to Stop Doing”.
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But i liked Hitch! Will carried that movie!
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Cas Ruffin Reply:
September 24th, 2010 at 2:36 pm
I still dance like the way they do in this scene.
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Seriously no shaky-cam??
That has to be the worst idea EVER!
Who wants to watch a movie that simulates the most incorrectly conceived first-person view of a scene?
Eyeballs DO NOT shake!!
So, the millions the studios spent developing the camera mounts to remove shake can now be called wasted?
OMG!
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